November 4, 2021

Recently I went on an alternative mode of transportation: a Greyhound bus! Now, it was not the last resort. It was not a money issue. Clearly, neither a time saver – as flying would probably have been cheaper or at least the same price and certainly taken shorter. For whatever reason, I did not even look into flights! Now that I live to tell the tale, I must say that I do not regret going on this trip. However, I plan on never going on another Greyhound bus ride ever again. Honestly, a Greyhound ride sounded so Rock N’ Roll to me, as many of my idols seem to have made it to LA/Hollywood via a Greyhound bus, whether from Indiana or somewhere else. Therefore, I was excited to go on my first (last, and only…) Greyhound trip… I was in Odessa/Midland, Texas, and needed to get to Dallas – about 5 hours in a car, 7 hours on a bus, and then 8 hours on a Greyhound bus with unexpected events. I suppose we were only 40 minutes late – which is thanks to Ms. T., who took over the bus ride later on and got us through traffic and was very punctual…

This ride began on a Friday mid-morning. I am dropped off at the Greyhound bus station. Read: a shed on a parking lot in the middle of literally nowhere! The woman at the counter who wanted to check in my luggage was less than helpful and certainly had not heard about smiling and customer service! Anyhow, I stood outside and waited for the bus, which was 20 min late. Next to me was a young woman in her fluffy flip flops, hair was product-greasy and combed back, and her neck pillow hanging from her back. I casually try to chat with her and ask her if she has taken the bus before and thinks I will be full. She says she has been on the bus before and doesn’t think it will be full, as she hopes to have two seats to herself. I nod, reassured, thinking that this ride will be a breeze. I, too, would like two seats to myself!

The bus finally pulls in. Many people get off – but it turns off it was just to stretch their legs, pee, and smoke. After having secured my checked suitcase under the bus, I got on board. OOhhh, not only is the bus packed, without wanting to sound too judgmental, the people on the bus were definitely something else. To my relief, I spot two seats next to each other and rejoice at my luck. I sit in the window seat and keep my big duffel on the seat next to me. That is when this guy who appears drunk or high comes over and asks if he can sit next to me. I hesitantly say “sure,” and start removing my bag. He tries to say something like, OR would you rather that I sit somewhere else? Looking at the crowd coming onto the bus, I quickly realized that nobody would have a spare seat, so I am not in a position to propose that this guy sits somewhere else. I responded to him and told him that, of course, he could sit here.

Apparently, I was not judging too harshly who these so-called ‘something else’ people were on the bus with me, as I did not hesitate to pull out my MacBook Pro. I wanted to make the most of the bus ride and get some work done, as I had a deadline with chapters I needed to read through. Killing some time on the bus seemed like a good idea. Later, I was texting a friend who exclaimed that I should not sit with my Mac on a Greyhound bus. Culturally, this turned out to be common knowledge among any of my friends to whom I later relaid this story; however, it was unbeknownst to me that Greyhound buses apparently attract a particular crowd. After just a few hours, my computer ran out of battery, and I had to put it away anyways... Still, I would like to think that none on the bus would actually have stolen it from me - not least because I kept a good eye on my luggage!

The guy sitting next to me seemed eager to talk to me; however, I did not reciprocate this sentiment. As he had approached my seat after he got on board the bus, his pants were hanging down. He had made some sly remark about not even being able to keep his pants on! This was my first impression of him, and it did not improve. He was bantering/ridiculing the people around us when he was not on his phone with his various homies. I could not help but overhear his conversations as they were neither subtle nor quiet. He talked about how he really needed to get back home, even though this chick had wanted him to stay and have more sex with him... I also learned that he was 37 years old from these calls. Furthermore, he had no front teeth (Meth??) and had tattoos all over. He turned to me between phone calls and attempted chatting. One of the times, he said, “so, you know you are surrounded by felons, right?” I looked around and had no clue what he was talking about but just nodded (this should have been my first clue to what my friend was talking about not sitting with my Mac! -anyhow...). He looked at my computer and asked if I was writing a book. I replied that I was. He asked, “how many pages?” At this point, it felt like it did not matter what I said to him; any answer would do. I replied “300” without actually knowing how many pages. Now I hate lies - but I consider this an emergency lying situation and granted myself a hall pass!!

The next phone call he had was to a woman – whether it was somebody he knew or had met online, I will never know, but once he approached the question about meeting up, the phone went silent. I take it she hung up. This prompted him to turn to me again and ask about the book. Again. I had by now plugged in my headphones, although there was no sound in them as I just wanted them to symbolically indicate to the world that I was busy and not to be disturbed. He clearly did not get the hint. And, since I could hear him, I had a hard time faking deafness and answered him again. This time he added to the conversation and asked: “what race are you?” I replied: “white.” “NO, what race,” he asked again, I replied “white.” Argh… I could see the wheels turning. Ok, he was ready, “what ethnicity are you?” he finally came up with. Ay, so, I told him that I am from Denmark and that I am Danish. Ok. This seemed to satisfy his curiosity, and he left me alone for now and called his homie on the phone. After he had ended that call, he turned to me AGAIN, and asked, “so, are you writing a book?” Ok, now my patience was running thin with this guy. This was the third time he asked, and while I was not per se uncomfortable on this bus, I started to stress out a bit about the fact that we had not even been driving for an hour, and I had another 6-7 hours to go with this guy. I chose to ignore him this time, which prompted him to ask: “are you angry?” I snapped at him and replied that I was not angry but trying to get some work done!

We were finally approaching the next stop. A few people got off, and a few more got on, including a young man and woman who came together (couple? siblings? Who knows!). The man sat down behind the guy next to me while leaving his female companion hanging. Her companion told her to find a seat, to which she exclaimed that there was nowhere to sit. She added that besides, she did not want to sit next to a stranger. At this point, it turned out there were just two seats left on the bus: one that would be revealed a little later and one next to a woman on the back seat. However, she was lying down taking up both seats, covered by her comforter, and was not about to scoop over. My seat companion and she had already several times exchanged pleasantries and called each other words that I will not repeat here! The fact that she was not about to scoop over triggered another round of word exchanges on the bus. The girl who had just gotten on board ended up sitting on the floor with tears in her eyes. When the bus started to drive, somebody yelled at the bus driver and pointed out that this girl needed a seat. The bus came to a halt, and over the speaker, the very uncharismatic bus driver, informed us that we would not continue until people had moved over and made space for the other passengers. The woman on the backseat started yelling, telling people to leave her alone…

This prompted people on the bus to clamoring, including one who yelled that somebody should call the police. I do not know who ended up calling, but the police showed up and asked her to get off the bus. She collaborated, although not without being pissed off. Eventually, she was kicked off the bus and had to wait for the next one. While all of this was going on and nobody knew what transpired, I saw an opportunity to save my own butt while coming off as the good Samaritan! Recall the young couple. The girl was still in need of a seat, so when a young man a few seats in front of us finally stood up to offer the seat next to him, I chimed in and suggested that the guy next to me could swap with the guy behind him, I could take the seat a few rows ahead, and the girl could sit in my seat. Hallelujah, everybody seemed happy with this solution!

It turned out there was a particular reason why this guy I now sat next to had been quiet about his spare seat. He had with him on the bus his pet bearded dragon. The minute I sat down, the dragon wandered over and wanted to sit on my shoulder. The dragon and I spent the next 1.5 hours together, with me holding my right hand on him on my left shoulder and trying to use my left hand to scroll down on my computer. I talked just a little with the guy next to me as he apologized for the intrusion of his dragon, but I assured him that it was fine. I happen to LOVE pets (as long as they are not spiders and bugs!), and I welcomed the opportunity to hold this bearded dragon and just turn away from the crowd around me.

When my computer died, even though there were outlets between the seats, I decided that this was it for my productivity on the bus and instead focused on the ride, the dragon, and my new partner, Ajeun. He and I spend most of the rest of the ride talking - what a nice change of events. I lost track of my first seating partner at one point, and I do not know where he got off between Odessa and Dallas. Anyhow, I did not have to worry about him anymore! Instead, I learned a great deal about Ajeun and his life:

He had moved to Sacramento about two years ago to be with a woman he had met on Facebook and who had two kids. They had broken up three days ago, and he was now heading back home to Atlanta with his last pet. He had had to give up the cat and the hamster. The fish had died, and the parakeets had already flown out the window… An assumed friend of his had offered to take the cat but then proceeded to ask if you can eat cats, so Ajeun had decided against giving his cat to this guy. Instead, he had met an older woman who had just lost a cat who had looked just like it, and she had instead volunteered to take it. It sounds like the cat lucked out. And so did Ajaun, as this woman sent him images of the cat on his phone. This had been an emotional break-up for him, as this woman had turned out to be somewhat unstable. She had upon his arrival quit her job, as it was now his turn to take care of her and her kids, even though he had not yet secured a position. He finally got a job, but when the pandemic hit, he was laid off. I do not know what position Ajaun had had, but when I asked him what he did, he replied that he was a man of all trades. But that pimping cars and tattooing was his specialty. So, we agreed that he is an artist. Upon breaking up, his ex-girlfriend had hacked his social media accounts and deleted the contents so he could not show me images of all the tattoos he has done!

Ajeun, 27, was happy to be going back home, even though he could not bring his cat; only his bearded dragon, which he had named Lucks as it was the only one who survived! From what I heard, that sounded about right. His mom is a professional poodle breeder and has too many dogs around the house, so the cat was animala non grata! His mother was a lesbian who lives with her partner in Atlanta, and Ajeun did not know his father, with whom his mother had had Ajeun and his twin sister. His sister had recently had a baby, so he was happy to come back and be an uncle. He did not have a plan for what is next, so I told him about how many movies are filmed in Atlanta these days. Maybe he could look into that since he is an artist and can paint. He could be a set painter! He liked that idea and would check it out. He also talked about going back to college and perhaps becoming an engineer, as he had invented a flying car and could use the G.I. bill since he had been in the navy. I liked that idea very much. I truly hope I one day hear about a guy named Ajeun in the news, who is introducing us to a flying car!!

The people around me on the bus, as I have already mentioned, were something else. One woman, in particular, stood out; Amy, who is presumably a lesbian: her appearance was male clothing and short-cropped hair. She expressed how nervous she was about the bus ride, as it had been a long time since she had been on a bus. She was another one of those felons my first partner had mentioned, and I wish I knew what she had gone to prison for as she seemed so sweet and gentle. Some people are convicted even if they are innocent! Anyhow, I will never know! She was very concerned about where she needed to get off, but we all assured her that we would help her. Dallas was her destination and happened to be the last stop and where most of us were going. At one point, Ajeun was feeding Lucks, and Amy, who sat across the aisle from us, watched this event and exclaimed that it was the coolest thing she had ever seen (sounds like it might just be the coolest thing she has ever seen which makes me a little sad to think about!). Later, I think two stops before Dallas, Ajeun stepped out for a smoke, and I stepped outside with Lucks to get a bit of warmth and sunshine for both of us. Amy walked by us on her way back onto the bus, and I asked if she would try and pet him. She said she was afraid as he looked like a snake. I assured her that he was sweet and would not bite. SO, she gutted up and touched his head. Big moment for her!!

When we got to Dallas bus station, I ran into her on the other side, where I was waiting for my friend to pick me up. Amy was also waiting for somebody to pick her up, but clearly not somebody she knew. Somebody must have arranged for a ride, as at one point, a taxi driver approached her and asked if she needed a ride. Amy being a Nervous Nellie was relieved to see she was finally being picked up. As I was observing this, I felt compelled to intervene as 1. I did not want Amy to take the wrong ride, 2. I do not know Amy’s financial situation and would not want her to end up having to pay for this ride, and 3. I did not want her to endure more trouble than she seemed to be already dealing with. So, I chimed in and explained to Amy that this was not her ride, but a regular taxi. At the same time, my friend came, so I did not get to see Amy get picked up, and I really hope that she made it well to her final destination. Overall, despite the occasional felon on board, I will say that the camaraderie was really wonderful. While I got a long chat with Ajeun, many others were chit-chatting on the bus, and people were good at helping each other. So, kudos to these people!

We were getting closer to our final destination, and as we had switched bus drivers four stops from Dallas, Ms. T. was now making good time. There was zero bullshit with her. At one stop, we were told we would leave again at 14 min past the hour; at 12 past the hour, she was getting restless and slowly started driving. This prompted people to yell out and remind her that we still needed one more passenger. The woman came running out from the gas station, and we were on the road again by 13 past the hour. Well done, Ms. T.. This trip, in many ways, reminded me of a day trip where The Cuckoo’s Nest meets Sister Act 2 – that is currently the best way I can describe it! If you have not watched these movies, I genuinely recommend both! Furthermore, this whole situation reminded me of the people waiting in line at the DMV! Why did they not book an appointment beforehand? Why did nobody inform them they could do that? Some of these people do not seem to look like money may be their only concern. I mean. A greyhound trip from Sacramento to Atlanta cannot be cheaper than a flight? I recently flew from Brooklyn to Texas for 96 dollars, while this Greyhound from Midland to Dallas was $86! But I guess you may not be able to bring your bearded dragon on a flight, or maybe some of them do not have papers, or maybe they are afraid of flying?! It is a mystery to me why people volunteer to sign up for this – but then – so did I!

Upon returning home, and now have more or less recovered from the trip, it is fun to see how the word greyhound haunts me a little bit. I am a big Tom Hanks fan, and I just discovered that he appears in a recent movie called Greyhound; however, it is about WWII and not a bus ride. Another fun occurrence was that the mascot dog in the new popular Ted Lasso series is named Earl Greyhound. This is hilarious to me since I love puns AND I love Earl Grey tea! So, I see this as a sign to get some closure and perhaps think of Greyhounds as more than a daunting bus ride!